Sorry to disappoint you, but this blog post isn’t
poorly titled and it definitely isn’t about sex in terms of intercourse—at
least not directly—instead it is about the decision I made to not find out the
sex of my baby. Richard and I discussed this a long time ago, he wasn’t
incredibly gung-ho on the idea of not knowing the sex, but ultimately I was a
lot more adamant on not knowing the sex than he was about knowing it.
Personally, I don’t really see a reason to find
out before the baby is born. Either way it is going to be a baby and whatever
sex it is, I’ll be happy that it is here. When I tell people that we have
decided against finding out the sex, I’m met with one of two reactions. Either
I’m looked at like I’ve gone slightly crazy, or people ask how I will know what
to buy for the baby.
Mentally, I view pregnancy similar to a series of
challenges. Am I able to go nine months without knowing the sex of my baby?
Will I be able to endure the challenge of giving birth without unnecessary
medical intervention? I do have the answer to the first question, but no idea
about the second.
As I mentioned before the other reaction I get
when I tell people is curiosity about how I intend for individuals to be able
to buy the baby things. The wonderful thing is that there are a ton of
gender-neutral options in lovely colors like green—my personal favorite.
When Richard and I first had the conversation, he
asked me how people would know if the baby is a boy or a girl—personally I
don’t think it matters. I’m not sure that I like the idea of having my baby be
gendered from the moment that it pops out of the womb because along with that
pink or blue onesie comes a whole set of expectations about how that little
human is required to ask—and some, if not most, of those expectations are
bullshit.
The odd thing is that even our doctor—at our most
recent appointment—seemed confused as to why I don’t want to know the sex and
the truth is I’m not sure anyone can give me a compelling reason as to why I
should. If the primary thought is, “how will we know what to buy,” I don’t find
that to be a worthwhile reason. Even though I didn’t choose to get pregnant, I
did choose to have a baby and that choice wasn’t made with purchasing things in
mind. In fact, if that were your primary reason for wanting to know the sex of
your baby, I’d strongly consider taking a moment to think about the sets of
gendered expectations that you’re putting on your child.
What is the worst thing that could happen? Your
daughter is called a boy—then maybe she’ll be treated equally as part of
society for .5 seconds before people realize that she isn’t going to be a man
some day. She is going to have enough years dealing with inequality; do you
really want that to start from day one? The opposite scenario is just as damaging—your
son will probably have enough problems feeling “man enough” or whatever other
crap is thrown at men, he doesn’t need to have that struggle begin as soon as
you cut the cord.
Ultimately, you have to think about every
decision you make on a larger scale now—sure it is convenient for you to not
have to tell people, “Actually it’s a . . .” whatever when they get the sex
wrong, but ultimately it seems like those few moments without gendered
expectations could effect some sort of grander change—maybe that’s wishful
thinking, but I’m willing to give it a shot.
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